At a very early age, I learned that my world was safer and easier if everyone else was happy.  I learned to put other people’s needs before my own because if they were happy, then I was okay and life was better.

It wasn’t until I was in my 20’s that I heard the term “codependent”.  At that time, it never occurred to me that I had any codependent issues or tendencies, because my understanding of the term indicated that it was usually people who grew up in abusive households who became codependent.  Since I didn’t feel that I grew up in an abusive household, it stood to reason that I wasn’t codependent.  Codependency was also often discussed in relation to addictions, such as drug and alcohol – again, since I didn’t do drugs or alcohol, I figured I didn’t have a problem.  These are the kind of definitions that informed my understanding back then:

It was easy to say “not me!” because I didn’t fit into that tight little definition.  It wasn’t until I started my journey of self-awareness and personal growth that I realized there was more to codependency than the definitions above.  My eyes were permanently opened when I came across a short codependency self-assessment where I was instructed to mark the boxes that applied to me.  Yes, I checked every single one.  Sigh.

While I no longer have access to that assessment, I do have a much clearer understanding of codependency now.  Here are some of the signs of a codependent person:

• Difficulty making decisions in a relationship.
• Difficulty identifying your feelings.
• Difficulty communicating in a relationship.
• Valuing the approval of others more than valuing yourself.
• Lacking trust in yourself and/or having poor self-esteem.
• Having an exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others.

Part of what confused me was that the standard codependency definition seemed to always be about how we behave in a romantic relationship.  I didn’t clue into the fact that I behaved codependently with most of the people I came into contact with on a daily basis!  I was only looking at this through the lens of my primary relationship with my husband.

Here are some examples:

• When I got together with a group of friends, even though I wanted Mexican food, I would defer to someone else’s food preference.
• I would ground my kids for some behavior or rule infraction and then promptly forget they were grounded.  I could never follow through – and boy, did they take advantage of that!
• If my boss was upset about something (even if it wasn’t a job I’d been assigned) I felt like it was my fault he was angry.
• It took me days to realize I was upset about something because my feelings were buried so deeply.

Does any of this sound familiar?

When I became aware of the enormity of the problem and my propensity to put others first, I knew something had to change.  I was overwhelmed and unsure where to begin.  It seemed like a difficult task, and I wasn’t sure how I was going to manage.  Yet a part of me knew that I was tired of my life the way it was.  It really wasn’t working, and I knew the only way to change things was to change myself – I couldn’t expect others to change.

A very smart coach encouraged me to take small steps, and little by little, I shifted away from my codependent behaviors and thought patterns.  Are you ready to reduce or eliminate your codependency?  I recommend the following:

1.  Since the most important step is realizing and recognizing your codependent tendencies, congratulations, you’ve taken the first step!

2.  Take an inventory and keep a log for a few days.  Pay attention to where and when you give yourself away.

• When or with whom do you defer, instead of stating your preference(s)?
• Where do you keep quiet in order to “keep the peace”?
• What people in your life walk all over you or take advantage of you?
• At what times or in which situations are you unable to say NO?
• Are there people in your life that you defer to because you don’t trust your instincts? Who are they?

3.  Now that you’ve taken an inventory, choose one area, person, or situation and pre-plan how you will communicate differently.

4.  Learn how to set boundaries.  “When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable we feel used and mistreated.” Brene Brown.  A good book to start with is Set Boundaries, Find Peace, by Nedra Glover Tawwab (her accompanying workbook is also excellent).

5.  Stop taking things personally.  “Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream.  When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”  Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements.  I also highly recommend this book – it will change your life!

6.  Get a coach or counselor.  Having someone hold you accountable and remind you of your goals shortens the learning curve and gives you the support and encouragement you need to keep going when the process feels overwhelming.

7.  Attend a Self-Awareness Weekend.  Participating in this experiential program will give you an opportunity to clear out past pain and hurts so that you are able to move forward without the old baggage of the past.  You also learn many tools – among them, how to set boundaries and start putting yourself first.

8.  Practice identifying, communicating, and fulfilling your needs until it becomes ingrained in your being.  It is not selfish to put yourself first.  If you struggle with this concept, remember that on an airplane if we are traveling with a child, we are told to put our oxygen mask on first!

Codependency doesn’t have to be a life sentence.  However, when we have a lifetime of being a certain way, it does take dedication and perseverance to rewire your thoughts and behaviors.  Moving out of being codependent and centering yourself in your empowered Adult is worth every effort!